Finding Mildred

Happiness is....

2011-03-28T13:04:00.003+02:00

Someone on a well-known Type 1 Diabetes message board asked some interesting questions on how to make sure a child growing up with this chronic disease does not have any psychological downsides to it.

There is no easy answer. As with everything in life, you can only do what you can, in the best way you can, with the total well-being of your child first and foremost in your mind.

But this got me thinking. What is happiness? Is it an acceptance of what life deals you and getting on with things? Or is it the pursuit of something better, the perpetual hope you can better your life or yourself?

I think it's neither. I think happiness is what you feel when you see your kid doing kid's things, it is the flowers blooming and a smile comes across your face, it is the blue sky and the sun, it is your favorite item at the grocery-store on sale, it is a quote, a hello, an unexpected blessing in your day. It is all those things and many more, and they all together make for a big thing - the realization you're ok, safe and still here. No matter what, there will always be thousands of little things reminding you to be happy.

Re - Pffffft

2010-12-20T18:01:00.004+01:00

Well, I haven't written anything in a while. Not from lack of inspiration, just didn't feel like it.

Nothing exciting happening. Same old stuff.

Christmas is right around the corner. As usual, I have not asked Santa for anything. I don't need anything, to be honest, except world peace, a cure for all diseases and a special place reserved for those people I cannot stand. Not much to ask for, I think. I didn't include the moon. THAT would be overdoing it. And I don't like to exaggerate.

Anyway, where was I? Right, Christmas. Yeah...I'll be glad when it's over. I'm actually excited for the New Year (not the party, but the actual year). I have big plans, big dreams, big projects.

Then the next holiday season comes around and I'll realize none of those plans, dreams, projects ever came to fruition.

And I'll be a grump again, just in time for Christmas.

Maybe this time it'll be different.

Happy Holidays. Honestly.

For a sweet girl

2010-10-21T21:49:00.002+02:00

Just wanted to post about a 13yr old girl who lost her battle with Type 1 Diabetes.

My heart is aching for her parents and sister. I wish I could take their pain away and tell them all will be ok. But I cannot.

May you find peace at last, sweet girl, and may you look down on your family and send them little signs that you're ok now, and give them the strength they need to make it through life.

You are missed and many hearts are mourning your departure from this world.

Rest in peace, sweet girl.

Consciousness

2010-08-27T21:03:00.003+02:00

For me the most challenging psychological aspect of having a child living with T1 D is making sure *my* fears/anxieties/anger/sadness are not transferred to my kid.

I am a very spontaneous person, and you see easily when I'm ok or not, so I have had to learn to control this part of myself, for the sake of my kid's emotional safety. And also because I am a firm believer in never giving up, so I'd like my son to get that vibe from me. Never give up! No matter what. I'm stubborn, what can I say...

So, living with D has taught me 1) humility because of it's unpredictability and 2) to be conscious of how I perceive it. Because there is someone watching me - my son.

The Never Ending Story

2010-08-22T22:46:00.003+02:00

Although this song has nothing to with T1 D, the title pretty much sums up what it is for me.

Never ending....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwF4PPoEWD4&feature=related

Having a sad moment. Fleeting surely, but here nonetheless.

You're right, I'm wrong

2010-08-17T23:49:00.001+02:00

Or is it the other way around?

Think about it.

The whisper

2010-08-04T15:10:00.002+02:00

For a long time, I was screaming everything about T1 D. From the anger to the sadness, to wanting others to understand what it is having a child with D. Basically, to force upon the world what I wanted to say.

And that had its place. And that was ok.

Now, I don't want D to be in my face, nor in others' faces.

I want it to be like a whisper, ever-present, in my mind, that it is still there but that it's not the only thing there.

I'm ready to move on. Taking D with me. Instead of having it drag me along.

And that's ok too.

New insulin pump or How I hate Holland sometimes...ok, most times

2010-07-01T23:53:00.002+02:00

We received a new insulin pump recently.

Let me tell you. I feel like I'm back to the same day as diagnosis day. The fear of the pump, and having to learn how it works. I know how it works. I can use it. But it's the change factor, the new factor. It's making me nauseaus. Or it may be the heat. It's really hot here now. But I think it's the pump.

It takes me back to the day when the nurse came to the hospital room and told us "Here, let's put the insulin pump on your son.". Lovely. Not.

And here we are, over 3 years into this rocky D road, and an insulin pump makes me feel very small. Again.

I guess because it makes me face my biggest enemy - change. The one thing I love. And hate. I love change, but I don't like the process of change. If that makes sense. It does to me, anyway.

And above all it is the symbol that we are still in Holland. Mind you, I've been to Holland, and, besides the food, it is a lovely place. But too much Holland can be hazardous to your sanity.

So, I'm left with pressing buttons on the pump, and adjusting to it. There sure is a lot of button pressing in Holland.

That's a lot of pressure.

I want Italy sometimes. Ok...most times.

Lacking the cavewoman gene

2010-04-25T21:40:00.002+02:00

I would not have made a good prehistoric woman. Really. Just the thought of it freaks me out.
Having to live in a cave, wearing fur. Cooking whatever the hubby brought in from the day's battle with scary creatures.

No. I just couldn't. So, I wonder, where is my cavewoman gene. Where is that tiny gene which makes me a descendant from a very fierce and strong cavewoman? Maybe it got lost and gave up finding its way to me? Maybe it found out who it was to be passed onto and laughed and asked for a second draw?

Ok, so basically what I'm saying is that I want some cavewomanshipness in me. The grunting attitude to knock an approaching ferocious animal on the head, drag it to my cave, strip it of its skin, separate the meat (some for drying and some for cooking), and be able to make the perfect LFD (Little Fur Dress), all before the next Ice Age.

But it just sounds like so.much.work.

Wrinkles Anonymous

2010-02-20T15:00:00.001+01:00

Hello, my name is Blogger and I have wrinkles.

Welcome Blogger. (*chorus of people*)

Ugh! I didn't want them this early. I am so not ready.

Yeah, yeah. It's just wrinkles, right? WRONG! It's reality playing a practical joke on me.

Yooohooo, Blogger! Look in the mirror...NOW! Yikes! On the sides of my eyes. I see them. I practice the smile-a-meter, going from a weak to the strongest smile, and there they are - smack in the middle of "average smile".

You see, I was expecting to age gracefully. I have looked much younger than my age for the past 20 years, so I was naïvely expecting to continue this for at least 10 more years.

But reality is a biatch!

I have aged more in the past 3 years than in the other 17. Coincidentally, my kid's Type 1 Diabetes was also diagnosed a little over 3 years ago. Go figure...

I have the creams. The cheap, the expensive and the crappy. Nothing works.

But I have found that if I don't smile, I don't see my wrinkles, so others won't see them either, and I may help stabilize their growth. Of course, this will affect my sociability factor. I will be seen as unfriendly. BUT my wrinkles will not be seen.

What to do? What to do?

Embrace them? Pffft...I don't like them, so I can't do that.

Ignore them? Nope, they're there, I know that.

Botox them? Heck no! As much as I hate them, I hate pain even more, even the slightest of it.

So, I guess I'll just have to live with them, for better or for worse.

To selfish or not or U-Turn

2009-11-30T20:50:00.003+01:00

I want to be selfish. Really, I do. Not that I am not already, but I think I could brush up on being selfish for real. At least until I don't feel like it anymore.
So, I'm thinking the first step is (and take a seat, this is shocking!) to think of myself for once. Amazing thought, isn't it?
I have not been good to myself. Rather, I have neglected my needs and my wants for several years now. I am a problem-solver, not in the mathematical way (I'm hopeless there, but do well-enough with diabetes related stuff). I solve problems all the time, give feedback all the time when asked, come up with solutions, answers, figure out the why and the how.
Even as a kid, I would make everything right. Why? Because it was expected and because I was like a little hero, coming in to save the day.

I refuse to wear the cape. It doesn't suit me. It's too tight (later post) and I don't like the green. Burgundy or deep orange suite me better. Earth tones too. And flowers. I want it to look like Little-Red Riding Hood's cloak, but my size.

Anyway, forget about the cape. I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE. (I have to repeat that. Self-sublimination, if such a word exists).

So, where do I start on my selfish journey?
Hmmm......
???????
I have no idea where to start. Maybe it's like writing. You either can or you can't.
This is very symbolic. Me, not being able to find my direction. Ha!
I'll just drive around in the meantime.

Oh, and I also want attitude. Not sure which kind yet, but a good one.

PS - Don't be surprised if I don't write too much about life in the D lane from now on. It's normal. I have made a U-turn. Time to get my life back...

...wherever it is.

Lady Gaga

2009-11-27T17:01:00.005+01:00

Whaaaaat?

I know.

Out of nowhere comes an oddly-dressed singer and makes my mind go crazy with Po-po-po-poker face. Can't get the darn song out of my head. Not that you would care ("you" being you out there who may read this blog - I wonder who does anyway?), but thought I'd share.

Anyway, Lady Gaga has been invading my brain with her deep voice and catchy beats. That's the problem. The beats ARE catchy. Like that Kylie Minogue song "Can't get you out of my head" (hope I got the title right). I wake up with Lady Gaga and go to sleep with her. Strictly platonic, I promise.

"Poker Face". Cooking to it is quite fun actually. And I don't like cooking...because I suck at it. Cleaning...well, hate that so much than even Lady Gaga can't help.

So, what's the point of sharing this epitome of useless info??

Well, I have other things on my mind than just Type 1 Diabetes.

Nuff said.

Hope for a Cure

2009-11-15T01:21:00.000+01:00

Hope is a word which makes me think twice - I can hope forever or I can choose not to hope, and lose that human ability to dream. That is what hope is, isn't it? To dream. And dreaming makes life so much better, because some dreams do come true, as the old adage says.

My hope, my dream is largely driven by one person - my son with Type 1 Diabetes. I hope for a cure for his disease, as I hope for a cure for all children like him.

And one person is continuously lighting the fire to keep that hope alive - Dr. Denise Faustman.

Please take a look at this incredible website:

http://helpcurechildhooddiabetes.org/Home.html

Keep the hope alive and help make a dream come true.

Taking a vacation

2009-09-01T21:46:00.000+02:00

Well, finally the time has come when I can take some time off, chill, relax, sit back...I am going on vacation with my family in a couple of days.

Type 1 Diabetes is also coming along. That's how it is. You can't just leave it at home or put it at a Diabetes Hotel while you chill, relax, sit back.

It goes where you go. It has to. It lives inside my child's body. It feels at home there, I guess. But it's a very unwelcome guest.

Anyway, I am happy to go somewhere and see new places and people. I am also in a very odd way interested to know what Diabetes will surprise us with. But guess what? I am so ready!

See you when I get back!

Update

2009-08-12T21:04:00.000+02:00

Well, here's what happened at the endo appointment.

I cried. A lot.

Currently dusting myself off.

Nervous Wreck

2009-08-05T23:35:00.000+02:00

Seeing the endocrinologist (endo) tomorrow! Need I say more?

I am soooo nervous...and guilty. I've not been a very good "student" lately. Unfortunately I can't influence the "teacher" (endo) with an apple. Sigh!

I'm going through my thoughts on how to approach the appointment, and all I can come up with, besides bawling like a baby, is to keep it real.

I'm going through burn-out in a way. Haven't been logging consistently. Haven't been adjusting insulin needs fast enough. Haven't been strict enough. I feel so darn guilty about all this.

Wish me luck! Well, not really...wish me to have the guts to keep it real...and not cry.

It could be worse...

2009-07-26T11:02:00.000+02:00

This is what I often hear, as I am sure do many other parents of a child who has Type 1 Diabetes. Not what we need to hear. Trust me. Let me tell you why.

The feelings we have, as parents, are real. They need to be validated.
When someone tells us "It could be worse." it makes those feelings less important.

So you may say "Give me a break. It could be worse, because it really could be worse. So, think positive, and move on. Don't wallow in self-pity."

I know that. I am aware of that. But you haven't validated my feelings at all.
Is it not ok for me to have those feelings? Is it not ok for me to sometimes feel overwhelmed? Am I supposed to always be on the top of the world? No. We're just human after all. Aren't you?

So, next time someone tells you something and your first instinct is to say "It could be worse.", think twice and just say "It's ok. I understand."

We all know it could be worse. No need to remind us of that.

We just need a listening ear sometimes.

Thanks for reading.

Viewing Point

2009-07-16T23:10:00.000+02:00

Kids are amazing.

Get this - my kid has a pen-pal, another kid the same age, diagnosed the same year (different months though). So we received the first letter today. Very exciting stuff!

So you would think my kid would be totally amazed at knowing that somewhere in this planet of ours, there is another kid who has Type 1 Diabetes just like him, and has to go through infusion set site changes, just like him, and whose blood glucose level has to be tested several times a day and night), just like him. Right? I thought he would be very excited about that.

Well, turns out my son just wanted to know how his pen-pal managed to send the letter. He asked if there was a special machine that takes the letters and makes them appear over here.

So I explained about airplanes and the postal service.

So now, my kid is anxious to get a letter ready to post, so I can tell him again how the postal service works.

Imagine that...D is not first and foremost in his head! Guess there's a lesson in there, isn't there?

The Other Side

2009-07-04T23:50:00.000+02:00

Gosh, I have been so uninspired to write lately. Blogger's Block, I guess! So, I'll be randomly writing about whatever. There you go! Randomness...the other side of life.

This week has been...hmmm...annoying?? Good word. Annoying it is. I call it "bad hair week", "Monday's suck every day week". I'm glad it's over.

I was not in the best of moods, and I guess that attracted all the rude people to me, just to push my annoyance buttons a little bit more. And they succeeded. They were everywhere. Like flies. I'll have to try covering up further annoyance with a smile next time.

One very positive thing did happen. My kid with Type 1 Diabetes went on an all-day field-trip, and he had a blast. Of course, I was in anxiety-mode, as every parent of a kid with this disease has the right to be. But he had fun, the blood glucose levels were on their best behaviour, and I survived. So, 1 huge point for this crappy week.

I miss my sleep. It has become such an exotic word. SLEEP! Look at it. Read it. Let it roll off your tongue slowly. Beautiful, hey? I agree! Such a sweet and inviting word. Gosh, how I wish to have a pyjama day...for a whole week! Now THAT would be a great week. Sleep, get up late, mope around in my pjs, watch non-intellectual programs, read the latest gossip, then SLEEP again.

What else in this randomness of thoughts?? Hmmm, guess that's all really. Just thought I would blog (is this an official verb??) a bit, in case anyone missed me.

Til next time, hopefully soon.

A special place

2009-03-14T21:32:00.000+01:00

Just a few words of gratitude to all those who have made me feel less alone in this journey dealing with my son's disease.

Thank you so much! Although I have not met any of you yet in person, you all hold a special place in my heart.

This is where they all "live":

http://www.childrenwithdiabetes.com/

Time to get humble

2009-03-03T23:43:00.000+01:00

It's been a hard time emotionally.
Today was the regular apppointment to see the endocrinologist (endo. for short).
The usual stuff is done - checking weight, height and the HbA1c (A1c for short) (google it if you want).
Well the A1c went up, and that put a real damper on my spirits. I knew it would be higher than last time, but was hoping it wouldn't. Sigh...

So, after sulking for a couple of hours about how I hate this disease, and how much work it entails, I put back my fighting gear, asked for help from a forum board I visit often (ok, I practically live there) and am ready to fight this monster again.

This is what is so interesting about Type 1 Diabetes - you think you know, then the disease forces you to accept you may not know it all. So, you're constantly developing new fighting strategies, new ways to keep the enemy at bay.

And in this process, learning how human we all are and that sometimes we need to back down from our noble steed, let go of our previous war gear, and find new battling methods.

This, fully aware that what has worked may not next time, and what you think may work, may actually backfire.

Humility mixed with boldness - what a paradox really!

Of Air and Water

2009-02-09T14:32:00.000+01:00

I am listening to a Best of CD of Bon Jovi. It is playing in the background as I type.
Funny thing is it takes me back to years ago. I had the biggest crush on the singer, hehe...I think a lot of us did.
What the heck does this have to do with Type 1 Diabetes? NOTHING! A BIG FAT NOTHING!
I had forgotten that there were memory drawers of me in my brain. Gosh, they have been left closed for so long.

You know, since my son's diagnosis, I have lost...no, that's not the right word...I have drowned...yes, perfect word...I have drowned myself in Type 1 Diabetes. Everywhere in the house, books on Type 1, notes, even my favorites list on the laptop is 95% Type 1 Diabetes related. I kid you not. And this since October 2006, diagnosis time.

I have watched myself slowly swim back up...very slowly. I am not a good swimmer **wink**.

Everytime I would reach the surface, I would dive down again...the waters of Type 1 Diabetes feeling so strangely "safe". This is what my life has been - Type 1 Diabetes EVERYWHERE! Call me obsessed, call me whatever you want, but I breathed, smelled, tasted Type 1 every single day since October 2006. I read Type 1, I watched Type 1, I googled, yahooed, msned Type 1, I shared Type 1 with anyone willing to listen...and even with those who couldn't care less. Type 1 submerged me.

I have come back up for air for a little bit longer this time. It feels so strange...I am actually tapping my foot to the beat. Is this ok, for me to take off my Type 1 swimsuit once in a while, hang it to dry and catch some rays? Please tell me it's ok...because it feels really nice.

Why don't I come up more often for air? It's so unlike me. I need my little niche, you know. But I guess when you are taken over by such overwhelming guilt, you slowly start to sink...and if you're not careful, you drown.

Guess I am not such a bad swimmer after all! I have been able to swim up and catch a few minutes of wonderful air.

Breathe!

A Moment in Time

2009-02-08T22:28:00.000+01:00

I was looking at a photo album today. There were the usual photos of my kids, at the park, at parties.
Then there was THE photo. Taken 3 days before my oldest was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

Just remembered I have not explained what Type 1 Diabetes is. But I don't think I will explain it. Plenty on internet about it. But I will say it has nothing to do with how badly you eat, nothing. I will come back to this point on another post.

Anyway, I came across THE photo. My throat becomes so tight when I see it because it is the fullness of reality staring back at me.

My son is smiling in that photo. Lovely, lovely smile. Wonderful kid!

But the eyes are so sunken in and he is so thin...how did I not see that?! How?! Can you say GUILT? That's how I still feel when I see this photo. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Nothing I could have done would have stopped the disease.

But, I wonder in how much suffering my boy's little body was. I wonder how he was feeling. And that hurts...to imagine he was in pain, and couldn't voice it...to imagine I didn't see it. And I feel guilty about that.

To make myself feel better I compare that photo to the ones after he was receiving insulin. He looks so healthy in the latter ones.

Do I destroy that photo? Maybe it would be better...but then it would be letting go of that wonderful smile...and I can't do that.

KEEPING THE FAITH

2009-02-04T22:38:00.000+01:00

I'll start off with saying that I am not a religious person. I do not go to mass, I do not pray. I have the utmost respect for those who follow an organized religion. I have the deepest respect for those who don't try to force their beliefs upon me.
I'll also start off with saying that I have a vision of life, of its meaning, of the greater good, of the universe. That is my "faith" if you can call it that.

Anyway, I recently read somewhere, but forgot where, someone mentioning how could people raising children with a disease go about their lives without faith, without religion.

I was shocked to be honest. Does one need faith or religion to rear children with special needs? I don't think so. I think we need to be caring, to have patience, to have fortitude, perserverance, endurance, selflessness (and selfishness sometimes), along with many other qualities. But faith?

After my initial shock was over, I pondered...do I really need faith, especially with a child with Type 1 diabetes?

I guess it depends on my own definition of faith. For me faith is believing. And I believe.

I believe life can be good.
I believe I can and will do my best.
I believe that my son is like any other child.
I believe that things happen for a reason.

Therefore

I have faith
My own way.

Atlas and me

2009-01-28T17:22:00.000+01:00

Well, a little detour from my story. This time it's about how tired I am. Boring stuff I know. You don't have to read it. But I have to write it...

I am tired.
Over 2 years of non-stop testing of blood sugars, of figuring out why sometimes they are high, or low.
Of reading anything and everything, trying to understand.
Of worrying, constantly.
Of feeling like Atlas, the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's too much.

Today is one of those days. When my shoulders can't bear the weight anymore.
I don't show it though, my ever present good humour stopping me from collapsing.
Then there are my sons. I can't fall ever. Not now anyway. They are too young.
Will I fall one day and show how tired I am, how utterly exhausted I have become?
Most likely not, for days like this, when I am faced with my humanness, are rare.

I am not being arrogant when I say this. I think any parent of a child with a disease probably feels like they can take on anything anytime. But they also have their down days. The days when the superhero cape comes off, the masks are withdrawn and they look at themselves in the mirror.

I do not like what is staring back at me in the mirror. It's the face of reality. I can't escape it ever.
Nor do I want to escape it.

Deep down I know this is how life is. Good and bad. Take it or leave it. I took it and am carrying it on my shoulders. And I do not regret it. I know I am strong. I know I can do it.

But today I am tired. I wish someone could take over all the testing, and all the worrying, and all the figuring out why and how. Just for one day.

Have you read so far? Thank you!

Bricks falling

2008-11-17T09:29:00.000+01:00

Well, it's been some time, hasn't it? But here's the rest of the story...

So, reality hit my family like a big brick falling on our heads. We were crushed and in pain.
So many emotions and thoughts ran through our minds. Anger, despair, disbelief, guilt and overwhelming sadness. We knew nothing of the road we were about to take, nothing about its twists and turns...we were just standing there, facing the road, without a GPS...

So, my son stayed 2 days in the ICU, and then the nurses moved him to the intensive care pediatric ward. He was finally receiving what he needed so desperately...INSULIN. His small body hooked up to the big insulin pump was a scary sight for us. But we knew, he was out of danger.

We met the endocrinologists and were surprised to see that they were friendly. The nurses were also so kind, asking me if I needed anything, and very warm to my son.

Then they hit us with another brick...my son would be wearing an insulin pump hooked up with a cannula on his behind. And WE would have to learn how to change the cannula ourselves at home, and WE would have to test him several times a day, by poking his fingers, and WE would have to learn how to administer Glucagon ourselves, in case of severe hypoglycemia. WE WOULD HAVE TO LEARN all this...how??? We were not nurses, we had no idea how to do this...

We listened and watched as the nurses taught us things we never saw before, things we never imagined before, things we never wanted to know...and all, in front of my boy, whose eyes watched as his protective parents suddenly became the ones poking his little fingers, changing the cannula while he screamed...his parents who are not supposed to hurt him, suddenly had to, to keep him alive...how do find peace with this? Our hearts were aching, but the automatic pilot started setting in, and we learned slowly.

We also learned we would have to know more about nutrition than we ever thought...counting carbohydrates and learning how much units of insulin to give for them. Two years on, it's become a habit, but at the time, we never, ever imagined we would get the hang of it.

So, one week later, we were allowed to go home...with the bricks following us...

The stillness of time

2008-08-04T14:09:00.000+02:00

October 3, 2006

My mom had left the previous weekend. My boys love her and kept asking about her. I missed her too. She allowed me to have some time to breathe.
My oldest boy, 2 at the time, had been drinking a lot for the previous week, but it was late summer and very warm, so I just assumed it was because of the heat. He had always drank a lot of water, because of another physical anomaly he had, so I was not suspicious.
Anyway, I found it strange that he had too have his diapers changed more often than his younger brother. I even commented to my husband 'With all the water he's drinking and how much he pees, you woul think he was diabetic.' But neither of us thought anything further...
Morning comes around, and I prepare both boys and myself to go with the oldest to kids' gym class. But he wasn't well, his eyes so drawn back, and his face a sick coulour...I asked him if he was ok, and he replied he was not, and didn't want to go to the class.
I tried to play with him, sitting down next to him, and playing with the trains and the wooden blocks. He just sat on the floor, not moving. His movements were slow, and it looked like he would have fallen asleep at any second. Poor kid, I thought, maybe he's catching the flu and has a fever. ..
No fever...
Shall I call the pediatrician? I wondered...I decided to wait until the evening. I even called my husband to let him know, and he agreed wait-and-see.
Forward to that evening...both kids in bed, sleeping. At 10:30pm, the oldest calls me. I heard him on the babyphone...'Mommy, I'm not well, come give me a hug.' His faint frail voice made me shiver at the time...
Tic, tic, tic, tic....countdown to heartbreak...
I go to his room, and find him sitting, looking lalmost lifeless...he says he's thirsty again, and I tell him how that that be possible, he just drank 1/2 hour before. I give him water, and he complains his mouth hurts. I thought 'Oh no, a throat infection.'.
I check his mouth, and I panic...his gums are dry, his tongue is dry and he smells funny....
Tic, tic, tic, tic....can't stop time
I scream for my husband, and he comes running upstairs. I tell him to take our boy to the ER, something is very wrong.
My husband leaves immediately, with our boy still in his pjs.
11:30pm...no news
12:00am...no news
I keep calling my husband's cell-phone, but I know at the hospital it has to stay off.
I wait nervously by the phone.
Tic, tic, tic, tic...
12:30am, phone rings:
'Hi, it's me.' says my husband
'Tell me what's wrong. Something bad I just know it.' I say.
'He has diabetes...our baby has diabetes.' he says
'How...no...no...ok...what now? Is he going to die...' I ask.
'No. But he's very sick, severely dehydrated and his blood sugar is extremely high.' he says.
'Ok, but how, he's so thin...' I say.
'I have to go...we're going to the Children's Hospital. The doctor called an ambulance already. I'll call you back.'

I let the phone fall down, and I sat on the couch, million of thoughts running through my mind.
Then I picked up the phone and called my mom to tell her. I cried, and felt so guilty for no having known sooner. I wanted my mom to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. I wanted to go to the hospital and see my boy, and promise him everything would be ok. But I couldn't. My youngest was still in bed sleeping, unaware of all that was going on.
I then hung up and stared at the place on the floor where he had been sitting, lethargic for the whole day.
I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I started walking from room to room, wishing to find something to help me focus on the reality I knew I had to face.
I saw his sleeping toy...he needed to have it, he needed it...
I screamed from the pain. My heart was aching from the shock of the news. I felt like my whole being was slowly sinking into quick-sand. I held the toy and smelled it, and called upon all the gods of the universe to make the nightmare stop.
2:30am, phone rings. My husband tells me they've arrived at the Children's Hospital, and that our boy wants mommy to be with him. I said ok, come home, tell him he needs to stay a bit with the nurses, and that you come home, so I can leave and be with him.
My husband comes home. I leave, holding the sleeping toy. I don't know how I drove, but I got there.
I ran to the ER, and a nurse was already holding the door for me. 'Your son will be alright. He wants you and the toy.'
I saw him, hooked up to the big insulin pump, so lifeless...my heart stopped beating, everything stopped existing. It was just him there...my boy.
I went to him, and he looked at me without saying a word. I gave him his toy, and he held it tightly against his nose, and sucked his thumb, and fell asleep.

The nurses came in very often to test his blood sugar levels.
The pediatric doctor on duty said we were lucky. He would not have made it through the morning, had we not taken him in that evening. 'He's very dehydrated, and very thin for his age. He has Type 1 diabetes. He will need insulin for the rest of his life. You will meet with the pediatric endocrinologists in the morning.'

That was the end of my life as I knew it....

(More to follow)

New things

2008-08-04T01:17:00.000+02:00

Today is my first day on the blog.
Never done this, so not sure where it's headed.

So, about me.
I'm a mom to boys, 4 and 2.
Oldest has Type 1 diabetes, diagnosed at 2.

Guess that's where I'll start...about that day.
But not today, too tired.