I am listening to a Best of CD of Bon Jovi. It is playing in the background as I type.
Funny thing is it takes me back to years ago. I had the biggest crush on the singer, hehe...I think a lot of us did.
What the heck does this have to do with Type 1 Diabetes? NOTHING! A BIG FAT NOTHING!
I had forgotten that there were memory drawers of me in my brain. Gosh, they have been left closed for so long.
You know, since my son's diagnosis, I have lost...no, that's not the right word...I have drowned...yes, perfect word...I have drowned myself in Type 1 Diabetes. Everywhere in the house, books on Type 1, notes, even my favorites list on the laptop is 95% Type 1 Diabetes related. I kid you not. And this since October 2006, diagnosis time.
I have watched myself slowly swim back up...very slowly. I am not a good swimmer **wink**.
Everytime I would reach the surface, I would dive down again...the waters of Type 1 Diabetes feeling so strangely "safe". This is what my life has been - Type 1 Diabetes EVERYWHERE! Call me obsessed, call me whatever you want, but I breathed, smelled, tasted Type 1 every single day since October 2006. I read Type 1, I watched Type 1, I googled, yahooed, msned Type 1, I shared Type 1 with anyone willing to listen...and even with those who couldn't care less. Type 1 submerged me.
I have come back up for air for a little bit longer this time. It feels so strange...I am actually tapping my foot to the beat. Is this ok, for me to take off my Type 1 swimsuit once in a while, hang it to dry and catch some rays? Please tell me it's ok...because it feels really nice.
Why don't I come up more often for air? It's so unlike me. I need my little niche, you know. But I guess when you are taken over by such overwhelming guilt, you slowly start to sink...and if you're not careful, you drown.
Guess I am not such a bad swimmer after all! I have been able to swim up and catch a few minutes of wonderful air.
Breathe!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
A Moment in Time
I was looking at a photo album today. There were the usual photos of my kids, at the park, at parties.
Then there was THE photo. Taken 3 days before my oldest was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
Just remembered I have not explained what Type 1 Diabetes is. But I don't think I will explain it. Plenty on internet about it. But I will say it has nothing to do with how badly you eat, nothing. I will come back to this point on another post.
Anyway, I came across THE photo. My throat becomes so tight when I see it because it is the fullness of reality staring back at me.
My son is smiling in that photo. Lovely, lovely smile. Wonderful kid!
But the eyes are so sunken in and he is so thin...how did I not see that?! How?! Can you say GUILT? That's how I still feel when I see this photo. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Nothing I could have done would have stopped the disease.
But, I wonder in how much suffering my boy's little body was. I wonder how he was feeling. And that hurts...to imagine he was in pain, and couldn't voice it...to imagine I didn't see it. And I feel guilty about that.
To make myself feel better I compare that photo to the ones after he was receiving insulin. He looks so healthy in the latter ones.
Do I destroy that photo? Maybe it would be better...but then it would be letting go of that wonderful smile...and I can't do that.
Then there was THE photo. Taken 3 days before my oldest was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
Just remembered I have not explained what Type 1 Diabetes is. But I don't think I will explain it. Plenty on internet about it. But I will say it has nothing to do with how badly you eat, nothing. I will come back to this point on another post.
Anyway, I came across THE photo. My throat becomes so tight when I see it because it is the fullness of reality staring back at me.
My son is smiling in that photo. Lovely, lovely smile. Wonderful kid!
But the eyes are so sunken in and he is so thin...how did I not see that?! How?! Can you say GUILT? That's how I still feel when I see this photo. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Nothing I could have done would have stopped the disease.
But, I wonder in how much suffering my boy's little body was. I wonder how he was feeling. And that hurts...to imagine he was in pain, and couldn't voice it...to imagine I didn't see it. And I feel guilty about that.
To make myself feel better I compare that photo to the ones after he was receiving insulin. He looks so healthy in the latter ones.
Do I destroy that photo? Maybe it would be better...but then it would be letting go of that wonderful smile...and I can't do that.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
KEEPING THE FAITH
I'll start off with saying that I am not a religious person. I do not go to mass, I do not pray. I have the utmost respect for those who follow an organized religion. I have the deepest respect for those who don't try to force their beliefs upon me.
I'll also start off with saying that I have a vision of life, of its meaning, of the greater good, of the universe. That is my "faith" if you can call it that.
Anyway, I recently read somewhere, but forgot where, someone mentioning how could people raising children with a disease go about their lives without faith, without religion.
I was shocked to be honest. Does one need faith or religion to rear children with special needs? I don't think so. I think we need to be caring, to have patience, to have fortitude, perserverance, endurance, selflessness (and selfishness sometimes), along with many other qualities. But faith?
After my initial shock was over, I pondered...do I really need faith, especially with a child with Type 1 diabetes?
I guess it depends on my own definition of faith. For me faith is believing. And I believe.
I believe life can be good.
I believe I can and will do my best.
I believe that my son is like any other child.
I believe that things happen for a reason.
Therefore
I have faith
My own way.
I'll also start off with saying that I have a vision of life, of its meaning, of the greater good, of the universe. That is my "faith" if you can call it that.
Anyway, I recently read somewhere, but forgot where, someone mentioning how could people raising children with a disease go about their lives without faith, without religion.
I was shocked to be honest. Does one need faith or religion to rear children with special needs? I don't think so. I think we need to be caring, to have patience, to have fortitude, perserverance, endurance, selflessness (and selfishness sometimes), along with many other qualities. But faith?
After my initial shock was over, I pondered...do I really need faith, especially with a child with Type 1 diabetes?
I guess it depends on my own definition of faith. For me faith is believing. And I believe.
I believe life can be good.
I believe I can and will do my best.
I believe that my son is like any other child.
I believe that things happen for a reason.
Therefore
I have faith
My own way.
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