I was looking at a photo album today. There were the usual photos of my kids, at the park, at parties.
Then there was THE photo. Taken 3 days before my oldest was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
Just remembered I have not explained what Type 1 Diabetes is. But I don't think I will explain it. Plenty on internet about it. But I will say it has nothing to do with how badly you eat, nothing. I will come back to this point on another post.
Anyway, I came across THE photo. My throat becomes so tight when I see it because it is the fullness of reality staring back at me.
My son is smiling in that photo. Lovely, lovely smile. Wonderful kid!
But the eyes are so sunken in and he is so thin...how did I not see that?! How?! Can you say GUILT? That's how I still feel when I see this photo. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Nothing I could have done would have stopped the disease.
But, I wonder in how much suffering my boy's little body was. I wonder how he was feeling. And that hurts...to imagine he was in pain, and couldn't voice it...to imagine I didn't see it. And I feel guilty about that.
To make myself feel better I compare that photo to the ones after he was receiving insulin. He looks so healthy in the latter ones.
Do I destroy that photo? Maybe it would be better...but then it would be letting go of that wonderful smile...and I can't do that.