Monday, February 9, 2009

Of Air and Water

I am listening to a Best of CD of Bon Jovi. It is playing in the background as I type.
Funny thing is it takes me back to years ago. I had the biggest crush on the singer, hehe...I think a lot of us did.
What the heck does this have to do with Type 1 Diabetes? NOTHING! A BIG FAT NOTHING!
I had forgotten that there were memory drawers of me in my brain. Gosh, they have been left closed for so long.

You know, since my son's diagnosis, I have, that's not the right word...I have drowned...yes, perfect word...I have drowned myself in Type 1 Diabetes. Everywhere in the house, books on Type 1, notes, even my favorites list on the laptop is 95% Type 1 Diabetes related. I kid you not. And this since October 2006, diagnosis time.

I have watched myself slowly swim back up...very slowly. I am not a good swimmer **wink**.

Everytime I would reach the surface, I would dive down again...the waters of Type 1 Diabetes feeling so strangely "safe". This is what my life has been - Type 1 Diabetes EVERYWHERE! Call me obsessed, call me whatever you want, but I breathed, smelled, tasted Type 1 every single day since October 2006. I read Type 1, I watched Type 1, I googled, yahooed, msned Type 1, I shared Type 1 with anyone willing to listen...and even with those who couldn't care less. Type 1 submerged me.

I have come back up for air for a little bit longer this time. It feels so strange...I am actually tapping my foot to the beat. Is this ok, for me to take off my Type 1 swimsuit once in a while, hang it to dry and catch some rays? Please tell me it's ok...because it feels really nice.

Why don't I come up more often for air? It's so unlike me. I need my little niche, you know. But I guess when you are taken over by such overwhelming guilt, you slowly start to sink...and if you're not careful, you drown.

Guess I am not such a bad swimmer after all! I have been able to swim up and catch a few minutes of wonderful air.



Diabetesmother said...

It's funny that you wrote this because I have been thinking recently about when my son was an infant. I would take him on long walks in the jog stroller and then feel guilty if I thought about anything other than him during the walk. I too feel that way again following my son's diagnosis. On the other hand, I am grateful when I can leave him in a safe place (with his father, for example) and NOT have to think diabetes for a few hours. Once again I realize how precious it is to enjoy the moment - especially those moments with friends or watching a good movie when I am NOT thinking about diabetes!


Barbara said...

I hope that some day we all can stop "living" and "owning" T1. I'm obsessed, and I long for the day when I won't be. Lets find a cure already!!