Gosh, I have been so uninspired to write lately. Blogger's Block, I guess! So, I'll be randomly writing about whatever. There you go! Randomness...the other side of life.
This week has been...hmmm...annoying?? Good word. Annoying it is. I call it "bad hair week", "Monday's suck every day week". I'm glad it's over.
I was not in the best of moods, and I guess that attracted all the rude people to me, just to push my annoyance buttons a little bit more. And they succeeded. They were everywhere. Like flies. I'll have to try covering up further annoyance with a smile next time.
One very positive thing did happen. My kid with Type 1 Diabetes went on an all-day field-trip, and he had a blast. Of course, I was in anxiety-mode, as every parent of a kid with this disease has the right to be. But he had fun, the blood glucose levels were on their best behaviour, and I survived. So, 1 huge point for this crappy week.
I miss my sleep. It has become such an exotic word. SLEEP! Look at it. Read it. Let it roll off your tongue slowly. Beautiful, hey? I agree! Such a sweet and inviting word. Gosh, how I wish to have a pyjama day...for a whole week! Now THAT would be a great week. Sleep, get up late, mope around in my pjs, watch non-intellectual programs, read the latest gossip, then SLEEP again.
What else in this randomness of thoughts?? Hmmm, guess that's all really. Just thought I would blog (is this an official verb??) a bit, in case anyone missed me.
Til next time, hopefully soon.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
A special place
Just a few words of gratitude to all those who have made me feel less alone in this journey dealing with my son's disease.
Thank you so much! Although I have not met any of you yet in person, you all hold a special place in my heart.
This is where they all "live":
http://www.childrenwithdiabetes.com/
Thank you so much! Although I have not met any of you yet in person, you all hold a special place in my heart.
This is where they all "live":
http://www.childrenwithdiabetes.com/
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Time to get humble
It's been a hard time emotionally.
Today was the regular apppointment to see the endocrinologist (endo. for short).
The usual stuff is done - checking weight, height and the HbA1c (A1c for short) (google it if you want).
Well the A1c went up, and that put a real damper on my spirits. I knew it would be higher than last time, but was hoping it wouldn't. Sigh...
So, after sulking for a couple of hours about how I hate this disease, and how much work it entails, I put back my fighting gear, asked for help from a forum board I visit often (ok, I practically live there) and am ready to fight this monster again.
This is what is so interesting about Type 1 Diabetes - you think you know, then the disease forces you to accept you may not know it all. So, you're constantly developing new fighting strategies, new ways to keep the enemy at bay.
And in this process, learning how human we all are and that sometimes we need to back down from our noble steed, let go of our previous war gear, and find new battling methods.
This, fully aware that what has worked may not next time, and what you think may work, may actually backfire.
Humility mixed with boldness - what a paradox really!
Today was the regular apppointment to see the endocrinologist (endo. for short).
The usual stuff is done - checking weight, height and the HbA1c (A1c for short) (google it if you want).
Well the A1c went up, and that put a real damper on my spirits. I knew it would be higher than last time, but was hoping it wouldn't. Sigh...
So, after sulking for a couple of hours about how I hate this disease, and how much work it entails, I put back my fighting gear, asked for help from a forum board I visit often (ok, I practically live there) and am ready to fight this monster again.
This is what is so interesting about Type 1 Diabetes - you think you know, then the disease forces you to accept you may not know it all. So, you're constantly developing new fighting strategies, new ways to keep the enemy at bay.
And in this process, learning how human we all are and that sometimes we need to back down from our noble steed, let go of our previous war gear, and find new battling methods.
This, fully aware that what has worked may not next time, and what you think may work, may actually backfire.
Humility mixed with boldness - what a paradox really!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Of Air and Water
I am listening to a Best of CD of Bon Jovi. It is playing in the background as I type.
Funny thing is it takes me back to years ago. I had the biggest crush on the singer, hehe...I think a lot of us did.
What the heck does this have to do with Type 1 Diabetes? NOTHING! A BIG FAT NOTHING!
I had forgotten that there were memory drawers of me in my brain. Gosh, they have been left closed for so long.
You know, since my son's diagnosis, I have lost...no, that's not the right word...I have drowned...yes, perfect word...I have drowned myself in Type 1 Diabetes. Everywhere in the house, books on Type 1, notes, even my favorites list on the laptop is 95% Type 1 Diabetes related. I kid you not. And this since October 2006, diagnosis time.
I have watched myself slowly swim back up...very slowly. I am not a good swimmer **wink**.
Everytime I would reach the surface, I would dive down again...the waters of Type 1 Diabetes feeling so strangely "safe". This is what my life has been - Type 1 Diabetes EVERYWHERE! Call me obsessed, call me whatever you want, but I breathed, smelled, tasted Type 1 every single day since October 2006. I read Type 1, I watched Type 1, I googled, yahooed, msned Type 1, I shared Type 1 with anyone willing to listen...and even with those who couldn't care less. Type 1 submerged me.
I have come back up for air for a little bit longer this time. It feels so strange...I am actually tapping my foot to the beat. Is this ok, for me to take off my Type 1 swimsuit once in a while, hang it to dry and catch some rays? Please tell me it's ok...because it feels really nice.
Why don't I come up more often for air? It's so unlike me. I need my little niche, you know. But I guess when you are taken over by such overwhelming guilt, you slowly start to sink...and if you're not careful, you drown.
Guess I am not such a bad swimmer after all! I have been able to swim up and catch a few minutes of wonderful air.
Breathe!
Funny thing is it takes me back to years ago. I had the biggest crush on the singer, hehe...I think a lot of us did.
What the heck does this have to do with Type 1 Diabetes? NOTHING! A BIG FAT NOTHING!
I had forgotten that there were memory drawers of me in my brain. Gosh, they have been left closed for so long.
You know, since my son's diagnosis, I have lost...no, that's not the right word...I have drowned...yes, perfect word...I have drowned myself in Type 1 Diabetes. Everywhere in the house, books on Type 1, notes, even my favorites list on the laptop is 95% Type 1 Diabetes related. I kid you not. And this since October 2006, diagnosis time.
I have watched myself slowly swim back up...very slowly. I am not a good swimmer **wink**.
Everytime I would reach the surface, I would dive down again...the waters of Type 1 Diabetes feeling so strangely "safe". This is what my life has been - Type 1 Diabetes EVERYWHERE! Call me obsessed, call me whatever you want, but I breathed, smelled, tasted Type 1 every single day since October 2006. I read Type 1, I watched Type 1, I googled, yahooed, msned Type 1, I shared Type 1 with anyone willing to listen...and even with those who couldn't care less. Type 1 submerged me.
I have come back up for air for a little bit longer this time. It feels so strange...I am actually tapping my foot to the beat. Is this ok, for me to take off my Type 1 swimsuit once in a while, hang it to dry and catch some rays? Please tell me it's ok...because it feels really nice.
Why don't I come up more often for air? It's so unlike me. I need my little niche, you know. But I guess when you are taken over by such overwhelming guilt, you slowly start to sink...and if you're not careful, you drown.
Guess I am not such a bad swimmer after all! I have been able to swim up and catch a few minutes of wonderful air.
Breathe!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
A Moment in Time
I was looking at a photo album today. There were the usual photos of my kids, at the park, at parties.
Then there was THE photo. Taken 3 days before my oldest was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
Just remembered I have not explained what Type 1 Diabetes is. But I don't think I will explain it. Plenty on internet about it. But I will say it has nothing to do with how badly you eat, nothing. I will come back to this point on another post.
Anyway, I came across THE photo. My throat becomes so tight when I see it because it is the fullness of reality staring back at me.
My son is smiling in that photo. Lovely, lovely smile. Wonderful kid!
But the eyes are so sunken in and he is so thin...how did I not see that?! How?! Can you say GUILT? That's how I still feel when I see this photo. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Nothing I could have done would have stopped the disease.
But, I wonder in how much suffering my boy's little body was. I wonder how he was feeling. And that hurts...to imagine he was in pain, and couldn't voice it...to imagine I didn't see it. And I feel guilty about that.
To make myself feel better I compare that photo to the ones after he was receiving insulin. He looks so healthy in the latter ones.
Do I destroy that photo? Maybe it would be better...but then it would be letting go of that wonderful smile...and I can't do that.
Then there was THE photo. Taken 3 days before my oldest was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
Just remembered I have not explained what Type 1 Diabetes is. But I don't think I will explain it. Plenty on internet about it. But I will say it has nothing to do with how badly you eat, nothing. I will come back to this point on another post.
Anyway, I came across THE photo. My throat becomes so tight when I see it because it is the fullness of reality staring back at me.
My son is smiling in that photo. Lovely, lovely smile. Wonderful kid!
But the eyes are so sunken in and he is so thin...how did I not see that?! How?! Can you say GUILT? That's how I still feel when I see this photo. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do.
Nothing I could have done would have stopped the disease.
But, I wonder in how much suffering my boy's little body was. I wonder how he was feeling. And that hurts...to imagine he was in pain, and couldn't voice it...to imagine I didn't see it. And I feel guilty about that.
To make myself feel better I compare that photo to the ones after he was receiving insulin. He looks so healthy in the latter ones.
Do I destroy that photo? Maybe it would be better...but then it would be letting go of that wonderful smile...and I can't do that.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
KEEPING THE FAITH
I'll start off with saying that I am not a religious person. I do not go to mass, I do not pray. I have the utmost respect for those who follow an organized religion. I have the deepest respect for those who don't try to force their beliefs upon me.
I'll also start off with saying that I have a vision of life, of its meaning, of the greater good, of the universe. That is my "faith" if you can call it that.
Anyway, I recently read somewhere, but forgot where, someone mentioning how could people raising children with a disease go about their lives without faith, without religion.
I was shocked to be honest. Does one need faith or religion to rear children with special needs? I don't think so. I think we need to be caring, to have patience, to have fortitude, perserverance, endurance, selflessness (and selfishness sometimes), along with many other qualities. But faith?
After my initial shock was over, I pondered...do I really need faith, especially with a child with Type 1 diabetes?
I guess it depends on my own definition of faith. For me faith is believing. And I believe.
I believe life can be good.
I believe I can and will do my best.
I believe that my son is like any other child.
I believe that things happen for a reason.
Therefore
I have faith
My own way.
I'll also start off with saying that I have a vision of life, of its meaning, of the greater good, of the universe. That is my "faith" if you can call it that.
Anyway, I recently read somewhere, but forgot where, someone mentioning how could people raising children with a disease go about their lives without faith, without religion.
I was shocked to be honest. Does one need faith or religion to rear children with special needs? I don't think so. I think we need to be caring, to have patience, to have fortitude, perserverance, endurance, selflessness (and selfishness sometimes), along with many other qualities. But faith?
After my initial shock was over, I pondered...do I really need faith, especially with a child with Type 1 diabetes?
I guess it depends on my own definition of faith. For me faith is believing. And I believe.
I believe life can be good.
I believe I can and will do my best.
I believe that my son is like any other child.
I believe that things happen for a reason.
Therefore
I have faith
My own way.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Atlas and me
Well, a little detour from my story. This time it's about how tired I am. Boring stuff I know. You don't have to read it. But I have to write it...
I am tired.
Over 2 years of non-stop testing of blood sugars, of figuring out why sometimes they are high, or low.
Of reading anything and everything, trying to understand.
Of worrying, constantly.
Of feeling like Atlas, the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's too much.
Today is one of those days. When my shoulders can't bear the weight anymore.
I don't show it though, my ever present good humour stopping me from collapsing.
Then there are my sons. I can't fall ever. Not now anyway. They are too young.
Will I fall one day and show how tired I am, how utterly exhausted I have become?
Most likely not, for days like this, when I am faced with my humanness, are rare.
I am not being arrogant when I say this. I think any parent of a child with a disease probably feels like they can take on anything anytime. But they also have their down days. The days when the superhero cape comes off, the masks are withdrawn and they look at themselves in the mirror.
I do not like what is staring back at me in the mirror. It's the face of reality. I can't escape it ever.
Nor do I want to escape it.
Deep down I know this is how life is. Good and bad. Take it or leave it. I took it and am carrying it on my shoulders. And I do not regret it. I know I am strong. I know I can do it.
But today I am tired. I wish someone could take over all the testing, and all the worrying, and all the figuring out why and how. Just for one day.
Have you read so far? Thank you!
I am tired.
Over 2 years of non-stop testing of blood sugars, of figuring out why sometimes they are high, or low.
Of reading anything and everything, trying to understand.
Of worrying, constantly.
Of feeling like Atlas, the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's too much.
Today is one of those days. When my shoulders can't bear the weight anymore.
I don't show it though, my ever present good humour stopping me from collapsing.
Then there are my sons. I can't fall ever. Not now anyway. They are too young.
Will I fall one day and show how tired I am, how utterly exhausted I have become?
Most likely not, for days like this, when I am faced with my humanness, are rare.
I am not being arrogant when I say this. I think any parent of a child with a disease probably feels like they can take on anything anytime. But they also have their down days. The days when the superhero cape comes off, the masks are withdrawn and they look at themselves in the mirror.
I do not like what is staring back at me in the mirror. It's the face of reality. I can't escape it ever.
Nor do I want to escape it.
Deep down I know this is how life is. Good and bad. Take it or leave it. I took it and am carrying it on my shoulders. And I do not regret it. I know I am strong. I know I can do it.
But today I am tired. I wish someone could take over all the testing, and all the worrying, and all the figuring out why and how. Just for one day.
Have you read so far? Thank you!
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